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New ‘Biden Diet’ Sweeps Nation: Pay The Same Amount Of Money But Eat 50% Less Food
US — With inflation showing no signs of slowing down, a new diet craze is sweeping across the nation. Known as the Biden Diet, the principle is simple; you spend the same amount of money on groceries as you were before, but you only get half the amount of food.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden threatened to end U.S. aid to Israel unless the IDF complies with a new demand to fight the rest of the war against Gaza armed with only Nerf guns.
"It's Nerf or nothin'!" Biden exclaimed during a brief call to Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. "You can attack Hamas with the old school revolver, the bow and arrow, heck you can use a gatling gun -- so long as all the bullets are Nerf! You hear me, Bibi?!"
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Media Reports Trump Threatened Nuclear War After He Says, ‘This Guacamole Is The Bomb!’
U.S. — After former President Trump declared his freshly-made guacamole "the bomb", media outlets across the nation announced that Trump had threatened to drop a nuclear bomb if he were to lose the election.
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Jan 6 Protesters Request To Be Called ‘Undocumented Tourists’
U.S. — Alleged January 6 protesters have reportedly reached out to the White House, asking to no longer be called rioters or insurrectionists but rather "undocumented tourists."
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Oscars Observes Moment Of Silence For Undocumented Murderer Tragically Called ‘Illegal’
LOS ANGELES — The Oscars ceremonies were paused this evening for attendants to observe a moment of silence for the undocumented murderer José Antonio Ibarra, who was tragically referred to as "illegal" by President Biden earlier this week.
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Biden Cleverly Distracts From Civil War By Starting World War
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions between the federal government and 25 red states over securing the border continued to stoke fears of another Civil War, President Biden cleverly distracted a concerned American public by announcing the start of a new World War.
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Boeing CEO Assures Nervous Fliers That All 737 Aircraft Are Built To The Highest Diversity Standards
SEATTLE, WA — Amid growing concerns over safety after several devastating mechanical failures on Boeing 737-9 Max aircraft, Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun assured hesitant travelers that all their aircraft are built according to the highest standards of diversity.
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Harvard Installs Jew Detectors At All Entrances
CAMBRIDGE, MA — The President of Harvard University, Claudine Gay, announced today that the university has installed Jew detectors at all entrances.
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Emperor Hirohito Calls For Ceasefire After Bombing Of Pearl Harbor
TOKYO — After a devastating and tragic surprise attack on Pearl Harbor, Japanese Em-peror Hirohito has called for a ceasefire.
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Biden’s ‘No Comment’ Praised As Most Rational, Coherent Statement He’s Made As President
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Biden responded "No comment" to a reporter's question about the destructive, deadly Maui fires as he was leaving his much-needed vacation in Delaware over the weekend.
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San Francisco Demands Elon Musk Remove Bright Sign As It’s Disturbing People Trying To Poop On Street
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an ongoing dispute regarding the new illuminated "X" sign installed atop the former Twitter headquarters, city officials have now demanded Elon Musk have the sign removed because it is distressing to the people who are pooping on the sidewalk outside.