Why Can’t We Be Friends?

I have an amazing group of friends. Now, I’m not bragging or trying to invite you to a round of “Compare the Friend.” I’m just asserting that my friends are fantastic and I am lucky to have found them because I wasn’t always surrounded by people who want the best for me. I’ve been through a minefield of friendships and lackluster acquaintances and finding these special few wasn’t quick and it certainly wasn’t easy. And I suspect that if I were to ask people to count their truly and honestly best friends, the ones who they know would do anything for them, most would be lucky to count one. Fortunately, through my rambles in the land of best friend bracelets and forevers, I have learned about the two absolutely vital components of great friendships and the inevitable pitfalls along the way.

Childhood Friends: I Hardly Knew Ye

Childhood friendships are probably the most nostalgic because they are surrounded by memories of playing tag on the playground and eating popsicles on summer days (or going around knocking popsicles out of the other kids’ hands, if that’s what you were into).  But these pairings are also the most likely to fail in the long run because they were formed during uncertain times in our lives, before we “knew” ourselves (assuming we know ourselves now) and before we had formed any real opinions or convictions. These friendships risk being outgrown as the people in them inevitably change into the adults that they will become. As we mature and as we’re presented with more options, we find ourselves being pulled in directions that may not coincide with those of our childhood buddies and the distance between us inevitably grows until we fall out of touch.

But…

How great is it when you run into an old friend and discover that they still have the same kind and fun spirit (and that they also love your favorite cult sci-fi show)? Sometimes the distance that comes between childhood friends is for the best as it allows both people to develop on their own and grow into the people they want to be, unencumbered by the restricting expectations of their childhood friends. Then, if they run into each other years down the line, they can “meet” again and rediscover the friend model with the latest software, if you will. And keep in mind that while certain aesthetic or superficial changes may be the most jarring, people tend to remain the same at their core. Sure, I have grown to love red wine, bright clothes, and Pink Floyd, but I’m still making puns the way I have all my life since the age of three (yes, I started early and yes, it’s caught on tape).

New Friends: Kindly Step This Way

 Philosopher and theologian Abraham Joshua Heschel once said that when he was young, he admired clever people but when he grew old, he admired kind people. This is the attitude that I have adopted with making friends because through my many (and often painful) experiences, I have realized that cleverness and wit are nothing if your friends aren’t loyal and caring. Sure, I’d love to be friends with the next Oscar Wilde, but not if that means waking up to find her standing over my bed with a knife and a frozen grin. However, if my friends are kind, I will forgive them their flaws and mistakes, like not remembering to call me on my birthday or forgetting our sushi date, because I know that these things aren’t done maliciously and that is what’s most important to me.

But…

How do you meet these new friends? Well, Speed-Friending hasn’t been perfected, yet, so there is no guaranteed way to meet friends but there are certain things you could do to help the process along.

First, you could venture outside the community or group of people that you currently frequent. Are all your friends Irish? Do the unthinkable and get to know people of other ethnicities. Do you mostly hang around with artists? Go meet some mathematicians or law students and see what happens. No one is “just” a scientist or a yoga instructor. Everyone has different facets and until you talk to them, you won’t know what they are. And most of all, you won’t know where your interests and passions overlap. Besides, it’s not for nothing that variety is said to be the spice of life. Just, you know, don’t go hunting for new friends in your rival gang’s territory.

The other way to make new friends (and hit on people, incidentally) is equal parts an attitude and a practice. Get into the habit of being honest around people you don’t know. Make jokes, speak up, compliment someone earnestly, strike up a conversation, and put yourself out there. It could take something as simple as commenting on the other person’s choice of literature (Eugene Onegin, in my case), or introducing yourself as a friend of a friend at a college mixer. Each time you do it is as if you were serving the ball in tennis: the other player may miss it, but maybe he’ll hit it back (or if you’re playing me, I’ll probably be too busy using the racket as a mock guitar). And if the ball comes your way, don’t snub the person engaging you. Reward them for their exertion, but only if you’re being honest.

 Perfect Friends: The Magic Duo

 I’ve spent more time than I care to admit in pondering why certain friendships of mine have flourished while others had to be weeded out and I came upon two qualities that I believe need to exist in any friendship: respect and equality. Let me elaborate.

Respect is the difference between having good friends that happen to disagree with you politically and assuming someone is a moron for believing X, Y or Z. Respect means acknowledging that the other person has as much a right to free will as you. It means not belittling your friends’ tastes if they differ from yours. Finally, it means that although your friends may make choices you disagree with, you will not think less of them for it.

Equality may sound like a strange element to include but it’s just as important as respect and the two go hand in hand. The principle of equality is to remind yourself that your friends are no “worse” than you and to avoid creating a friendship hierarchy in your mind. This means getting rid of the notion of “token” friends. This means putting away the Messiah complex and the condescending “loving parent” attitude. It means getting rid of any “expectations” that you have created for your friends and allowing them to just be themselves. It means looking at your friends not as a combination of traits or abilities but as whole people. And it means accepting your friends as they are and reminding yourself that you have flaws, too—flaws which your friends overlook.

But…

Without these elements, a truly close friendship is out of the question, whether it fails magnificently now or forty years later. So, be honest with yourself and others and don’t let great things pass you by. And then you, too, could have a perfect companion to share those summer afternoons trolling the playground and knocking the popsicles out of children’s hands (though you really need a new hobby).

 By Tatiana Sundeyeva

 Tatiana Sundeyeva has gotten into the terrible habit of thinking about everything. She enjoys travel, literature, puns, and anything that can be found in a bakery. And not necessarily in that order. She is a graduate of UC Berkeley where she got a degree in English with a minor in Italian.