Millenial’s Wish

PORTLAND, OR—Local socialist millennial man Matthew Hatter lamented Monday that there are no concrete examples of socialism he can point to in order to have some kind of idea how it would turn out.

“If only there were other countries that have tried socialism before,” Hatter said to a friend at an ethical coffee shop, Commiebrews, Monday afternoon, after he finished his paper route. “Then, we could see if there are any pitfalls.”

Hatter said it’d be nice if there were books that covered things like world history and economics that we could read. If that were the case, Hatter said, we could abandon socialism if it looked dangerous or proceed with socialism if every country that implemented it were incredibly successful.

“Like, say some countries in South America tried socialism before and everybody starved to death,” he said. “Or if there were major superpowers who implemented socialism and then, like, 100 million people died—that would be really bad. We could look to these ‘books of history’ and decide that wouldn’t be the route for us.”

“Alas, sadly, this isn’t the case, so the country will just have to be pioneers and try socialism to see what it’s like.”

Hatter said he’s just glad that if socialism turns out to be terrible, no other country would be dumb enough to follow in our footsteps.

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