Reopen… in 10 years?

U.S.—With many Americans eager to get back to work, state governors across the country are responding with their plans for giving everyone permission to be normal human beings again. One state governor is enjoying universal acclaim after unveiling his own innovative plan for getting his state reopened.

The new plan is called ‘Our Vision for Health, Safety, Virtue, and Eternal Peace’ and is a 37-step, 10-year plan for slowly opening up sections of the state economy. It reads as follows:

1. Form an exploratory committee to consult various experts on reopening things
2. Set date to hear recommendations from the exploratory committee
3. Create a panel of experts to explore the recommendations recommended by the exploratory committee
4. Build a brand new website to post exploratory committee recommendations for public comment
5. Discuss feedback from health experts over catered seafood lunch
6. Wait 4 weeks to see if catered seafood lunch led to any additional COVID infections
7. Hire commission to gauge the effectiveness of collaboration over catered seafood lunches
8. Take away all the guns
9. Announce a 12-phase reopening of the economy, starting with the businesses with the best lobbyists
10. Begin Phase 1
11. Form a new committee to review the effectiveness of Phase 1 before moving on to Phase 2
12. Order more drones from China and post them in front of every hair salon
13. Draft new legislation to allow voting by show of hands over Facebook live
14. Announce reopening of all golf courses in close proximity to the statehouse
15. Hold public hearings on the effectiveness of the implementation of Phase 1
16. Repeat parts 1-15 until all 12 phases are completed
17. Form an exploratory committee to research alternate food sources now that catered seafood no longer available
18. Draft legislation allowing people to eat squirrels and possums
19. Overturn squirrels and possums legislation after animal rights groups protest
20. Hire animal rights groups to enforce the overturning of the legislation in order to protect squirrels and possums
21. Introduce tax bill to fund arming all police officers with harpoon guns and spears
22. Strengthen the security of governors mansion with sniper towers and tiger pits
23. …Maybe also a moat around the governor’s mansion
24. More drones from China, maybe bigger ones
25. Pass new legislation to fund hiring more enforcers to enforce things
26. Build checkpoints across the state to distribute milk and guzzoline
27. Create jobs by hiring welders to install armor plating on police cars
28. (redacted)
29. (redacted)
30. (redacted)
31. (redacted)
32. (redacted)
33. (redacted)
34. (redacted)(redacted)(redacted)(redacted)(redacted)(redacted)
35. (Super-secret surprise to be determined later)
36. Open the rest of the economy
37. Gladiator games anyone?

Other states have announced they will wait 10-15 years to judge the effectiveness of this 37 part plan before releasing their own plans. The only exception is Texas, whose governor simply said, “We’re open, y’all!”

Babylon Bee

Source: https://babylonbee.com

The Babylon Bee is the world’s best satire site, totally inerrant in all its truth claims. We write satire about Christian stuff, political stuff, and everyday life.

The Babylon Bee was created ex nihilo on the eighth day of the creation week, exactly 6,000 years ago. We have been the premier news source through every major world event, from the Tower of Babel and the Exodus to the Reformation and the War of 1812. We focus on just the facts, leaving spin and bias to other news sites like CNN and Fox News.

If you would like to complain about something on our site, take it up with God.