Hunter Asks If He Can Get His Baggie Of Cocaine Back From The White House Now
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After news broke that he had received a full presidential pardon from his father for any crimes committed in the last decade,
Hunter Biden immediately asked officials from the U.S. Secret Service if he could get his baggie of cocaine back from the White House.
The cocaine, which was discovered over a year ago in a cubby outside the entrance to the West Wing, had gone unclaimed with authorities closing their investigation without learning the identity of its owner. With his pardon now in effect, Biden quickly claimed it and requested its return.
“Yeah, it’s totally mine, thanks,” Biden was reportedly heard saying in a phone call with the Secret Service. “I had to stash it one day when a tour group was coming through while I was about to do some lines. Such a buzzkill. Anyway, now that I don’t have to answer for anything illegal I’ve done, I’d appreciate it if you gave me back my blow. I plan on hitting some celebration pretty hard tonight if you know what I mean. I mean I’m going to get absolutely wasted and I need my coke.”
A spokesman for the Secret Service confirmed Biden made the request. “We figured it was his, but now we know for sure,” said Agent Sean Kellar. “Unfortunately, the pardon Mr. Biden received from his father now precludes us from taking any action against him for possessing the illegal substance. It’s probably better that the cocaine goes back to its rightful owner rather than going to waste in some evidence locker anyway.”
At publishing time, Hunter Biden had reportedly also asked for a hard copy of his presidential pardon that he could roll up into a tube to snort the returned cocaine.
By The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee is the world’s best satire site, totally inerrant in all its truth claims. We write satire about Christian stuff, political stuff, and everyday life.
The Babylon Bee was created ex nihilo on the eighth day of the creation week, exactly 6,000 years ago. We have been the premier news source through every major world event, from the Tower of Babel and the Exodus to the Reformation and the War of 1812. We focus on just the facts, leaving spin and bias to other news sites like CNN and Fox News.
If you would like to complain about something on our site, take it up with God.
