3 Things a Gentleman Should Remember at the Club

The older I get, the more I know what I like, and the less unpleasantness I am willing to put up with at any given moment. A 2-hour wait for brunch? Forget that, I’m hungry. People throwing beer cans on the ground in my favorite park? You bet I’m going to publicly shame them. On the one hand, I am blossoming into the crotchety old woman I’ve always dreamed of becoming: shotgun in hand, telling the kids to scatter by the count of three; but on the other hand, I am trying to remind people whose parents seem to have dropped the ball on this count about certain courtesies that make the world a happier place. On that note, here are three things some men seem to forget when they’re out at bars and clubs.

1. The club/bar is not your personal hunting preserve.

Yes, there are women at the club where you and your buddies are pounding shots at the bar. No, they are not all there solely to fight among themselves for your attention. Some may very well be there to meet a handsome gentleman like yourself (don’t you look dashing with those stains of a questionable origin on your t-shirt), but clubs and bars serve other purposes besides just providing the most flattering backdrop to your sexy pick-up lines. They exist for women to socialize in as well. Sometimes a girl wants a drink. Sometimes she wants that drink with a friend. Sometimes she understands that there’s only a certain decibel level at which she can play her music at home before she gets evicted, so she comes here to dance or enjoy the musical stylings of some metal band whose lyrics make you uncomfortable. Please, just let her dance.

2. Your touch does not magically transmit irresistible sex pheromones.

Nearly every time I go out to a bar with friends, some guy bumps into me in a comically intentional way, and then proceeds to apologize while vigorously rubbing my back. Or he sees my friend spill a drink and jumps in to ask if I’m ok by, once again, vigorously rubbing my back. Yeah, I know that a spilled drink is the most tragic of party fouls, but I assure you that my back has not suffered, so you can remove your hand now before I remove it for you, permanently.

3. A girl’s boyfriend is none of your concern.

Many girls use the “I have a boyfriend” excuse when trying to ward off unwanted attention. Many of those girls are just trying to get away from you, but others are actually telling the truth. Does it matter which one’s which? The point remains: they’re not interested. Asking a girl to prove it is pointless, because you won’t be satisfied unless she pulls out his birth certificate, driver’s license, and a lock of his hair from her tiny purse. Asking her where her boyfriend is tonight and why he’s not with her is often the next step in this verbal tango and tells us that you think girls can’t be allowed outside without supervision. Presumably, they’re going to dash out into the street and get run over, or get attacked by a gang of raccoons, or get stuck in a tree. They’re indoor girls. Thing is, you wouldn’t be asking her why she’s at the movies without her boyfriend, or why she’s dining out with only her girlfriends, so don’t ask her here. The final death knell in the conversation is when you say that if she were your girl, you wouldn’t let her out of your sight. This is where the girl mentally congratulates herself on having developed the social awareness to identify you as a creep and reject you in the first place. Hooray!

To the gentlemen who don’t do this: thank you, sincerely, from all the girls who are tired of having their backs rubbed and their words ignored.

Tatiana Sundeyeva has gotten into the terrible habit of thinking about everything. She enjoys travel, literature, puns, and anything that can be found in a bakery. And not necessarily in that order. She is a graduate of UC Berkeley where she got a degree in English with a minor in Italian.

by Tatiana Sundeyeva