The Lost Art of Conversation

I admit: I am a people watcher. My curiosity and my enjoyment of observing people in restaurants, at the symphony, in parks, museums, airline lounges, trains, and a number of different venues located in my home town in the heart of the Silicon Valley, as well as at some sites in the numerous countries I visited lately, led to my conclusion that the art of conversation is slowly disappearing.

Observing a family’s quality time together at an outing to a restaurant on Clement Street in San Francisco resulted in a silent gathering for everyone – parents and kids, who were totally engrossed in their iPhones. There was no conversation among the participants, until the waiter came along to take their order. And then it was back to the high-tech communication. Yes, silence is golden – but not in this case. The clinking of the dishes was not the only sound I wanted to hear.

On my recent cruise voyage on the Danube River in Europe, I noticed quite a few couples who were supposed to be enjoying the stunning vistas do nothing but sit next to each other (on the observation deck, mind you) enjoying the miniature view of their iPads. Where is the romance of holding hands and telling your significant other, “Honey, this is beautiful and so are you?” The art of conversation, as I know it, was missing. I suggest they save their money, stay home, and watch the National Geographic Travelogue on TV.

Leafing through the latest edition of Emily Post’s The Etiquette Advantage in Business, I decided that what’s missing in this latest and greatest bible of proper behavior and good manners, is etiquette advice on the art of conversation.

Among Lizzie Post’s suggestions for workplace etiquette is to avoid the urge to mass blast your ideas using social media outlets to the thousand or so of your dearest and closest friends, who may have other ideas. ‘‘No, not without talking about it first to a few people who really count. Such think sessions have an etiquette of its own.’’ Since Post died in 1960, her great-great-grand daughter Lizzie Post, who continues Emily Post’s popular and well-established tradition of implementing etiquette parameters, decided that an upgrade is necessary due to the birth of social media and the new way of digital communication.

Although Post’s third edition of The Etiquette Advantage in Business mainly upgrades the good manners in the business world, I think it can easily pertain to our communications after hours. There is always a breakfast with your family where the art of conversation is vital as a positive send-off for the day’s activities, especially for kids of any age.

Growing up as an only child would have been very lonely if I did not have my daily dialogue with my parents. Their love, attention, and their own stories of their past created so many of the vivid conversations that I cherish and reminisce about each and every day.

And now my young grandkids have expressed their desire to hear about my childhood. They pay attention to every word I say and ask a lot of questions. I know they are listening and comprehend what I’m saying – and that builds the art of conversation as well as the development of their language skills.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary gives the definition of the word conversation as the oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas. Mark Twain’s suggestion, “Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation,” was perfect advice then and even more so now.

Observing people in action using their high-tech tools, I notice that there is no expression on their faces and no emotional attachment to the story they are relaying to the person(s) on the receiving end. Where is the drama or the excitement of their so-called conversation?

So what about the art of conversation in the life of modern people, who have perfected their virtuoso finger movements with the high-tech manipulation of their sleek and colorful iPhones and iPads?

“We’re talking all the time, in person as well as in texts, in e-mails, over the phone, on Facebook and Twitter. The world is more talkative now, in many ways, than it’s ever been,” says Sherry Turkle, who is a psychologist and a professor at MIT and who was quoted in The Atlantic’s Jan/Feb 2014 issue. “We’re talking at each other rather than with each other,” adds Turkle.

Unbeknownst to my subjects, but in the name of my scientific research (and I hope you and they will forgive me), I played the secret snoop in taking photos of couples on a date, an outing of friends, and a family’s spending some “quality time” together – basically of many people whose art of conversation was truly lost.

Oprah Winfrey, who epitomizes the art of conversation and attracts many millions of viewers to her daily show, is a perfect example. Her conversation with Maya Angelou, whose poetic beauty of the English language is legendary, will serve as a perfect example of the art of conversation. The enormous success of such shows as “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon” and “The View,” just to name a few, whose premise is the art of conversation, reflect what we listen to and hopefully discuss at our next coffee chat in the office or at home.

In Oprah’s candid conversation with Dr. Maya Angelou, the woman Oprah calls her ‘‘mother-sister-friend,” Oprah opens up about forgiveness, family, and the rich relationship they’ve shared for more than thirty five years. ‘‘Dr. Angelou’s words continue to stir our souls, energize our bodies, liberate our minds, and heal our hearts.’’

And that is the true art of conversation.

All photos by Lina Broydo.

Lina Broydo immigrated from Russia, then the Soviet Union, to Israel where she was educated and got married. After working at the University in Birmingham, England she and her husband immigrated to the United States. She lives in Los Altos Hills, CA and writes about travel, art, style, entertainment, and sports. She hardly cooks or bakes, not the best of ‘‘balabostas’’ her beloved beautiful Mom, Dina, was hoping for. Therefore, she makes reservations and enjoys dining out.

By Lina Broydo