On Why I Don’t Know You

I bet I know what you’re thinking. No, I bet I know how you feel. I bet you just think the world revolves around you. And you know what? You’re right. The fact that we are each the center of our own universe is one that we often forget and unfortunately, it is this fact that leads to a lot of issues in our lives. So, let’s take a moment to get to know each other.

I’ve been called many things. Some of them were true, some false, some exaggerated, kind, irrelevant, misunderstood, understated, touching, hurtful, and the list goes on. I am not unique in this sense. However, all of these words and labels, even added up, have been inadequate in describing me. And in this sense, I am also not unique.

Here’s how I see it: when Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players,” he forgot to mention that life is the playwright. And like any brilliant author, life doesn’t write flat characters. Life is remarkable in creating complex and beautiful “back stories” for all her characters. This is why, for example, it’s not a contradiction that I consider myself politically conservative but feel deep compassion towards even the smallest living (and sometimes even inanimate) things. I don’t see the issue with being a spiritual person but thinking logically and analyzing everything. I see no oxymoron in being a creative person but enjoying practical, tangible work. I am generous, curious, and introspective, but also sensitive, moody, and unforgiving. And I bet you are too.

I bet you are also any combination of adjectives and traits because even though we are many, no two lives are identical (that’s right, even those of identical twins). Our lives are shaped by our own unique motivations, experiences, memories, ideas, emotions, whims, predispositions, genes, and passions. We may be comfortable and well-acquainted with our bodies but we spend a large portion of our lives trying to get to know ourselves. When we acknowledge this basic premise about ourselves and apply it to our understanding of others, we take a real step toward improving our relations with the people around us and creating better, new relationships with the people to come.

It may be easy to make assumptions about people you just met based on anecdotal observations or prejudices but doing so prevents you from seeing past the obvious and into the real core of the person. Or, in the worst case, it prevents you from at least learning something new because we are all walking contradictions, full of the unexpected. And we do the same thing to our friends when we create expectations of them and forget that they, too, are endowed with free will. In doing this, we trap them inside our understanding of them (which, as I mentioned, is incomplete) and set them up to fail because of that pesky free will business. These assumptions and expectations are meaningless because they try to simplify something as complex as human nature, which has been hotly debated for centuries.

In contrast, giving someone the benefit of the doubt or keeping an open mind is not only a sign of a noble character, but of a person humble enough to acknowledge that they haven’t read life’s book and don’t know your “back story.”

So, with your permission, I’d like to paraphrase Socrates: all I know is that I know nothing about you. But I’d like to give you the chance to tell me about yourself. And if you do the same for me, then maybe then we can all have an honest conversation.

 By Tatiana Sundeyeva

Tatiana Sundeyeva enjoys travel,  literature, puns, and anything with an unhealthy sugar content. And not necessarily in that order. She is a graduate of UC Berkeley where she got a degree in English with a minor in Italian.