Good French Gone Bad

Embarking on a new life in a foreign country can be a challenge all on its own, but the obstacles of such an endeavor multiply when you have to learn a new language in addition to a new city and culture. Misunderstandings simply become a part of daily routine. The causes range from not understanding a foreign process or behavior, to not understanding what is being communicated to you, all the way down to people’s frustration at your infantile stuttering disguised as their language.

Normal activities become anxiety-inducing assignments, with little guarantee of success. However, the inability to gain command of the language spoken by those around you can be only as frustrating as those around you allow it to be. When living in a country where the nationals do not speak your language well, if at all, then you might find that they are less likely to understand the usually well-intended meaning behind your language blunders. Everything from mispronouncing a word to relying on cognates when in doubt can induce laughter, shock, vexation, or confusion. Needless to say, these mistakes are rarely reproduced.

French and English share a long history, linguistically dating back to the Norman Conquest in 1066. This conquest resulted in several irreparable changes in England, one being the language. Norman French became the official language in the court as well as among the upper classes. This affected not only the spoken language, but also literature; the English language was permanently altered from a Germanic language to an Anglo-Saxon, Germanic, Romantic breed resulting in as much or more Romantic influence as Germanic in English. Suffice it to say, English speakers in France instinctively rely on French-English cognates when the French word is otherwise unknown. When in doubt, just say the English word with a French accent and hope for the best. After all, there is a good chance that it’s the same word. Sometimes this technique does more harm than good, as I have learned the hard and embarrassing way over the years, and some English words are not cognates, but rather faux amies, whose pronunciations may induce familiar sounds to French ears, but very different meanings to their brains.

When I first arrived in France my French was less than basic (to be polite), yet I found myself in situations merciless to my inability to communicate. My first apartment in Paris was located over a fromagerie–a cheese shop, which might sound poetically charming but in reality it turned out to be a problem. I started suffering from severe migraines, but before I held the cheese shop accountable I went to see a doctor. The appointment went as expected until he routinely asked me what I have being doing so far to fight these headaches. I didn’t know exactly how to say it in French so I translated what I wanted to say word for word hoping that he would understand what I meant. I was wrong. I wanted to say, “I take medicine”, which directly translated into French is, “Je prends le medicine”.  What I actually said to my doctor, however, was, “I take (sexually) the doctor.” Needless to say, the rest of the appointment was a little awkward, especially afterwards when I reflected on how friendly he suddenly became.

France has always had a more natural diet composed of fresh produce, but the last decade or so has spawned a legion of organic food enthusiasts. Naturally this topic comes up over meals with friends or family, especially when eating questionable food served in restaurants. Once I was out with a group of French friends and a few expatriates. My non-French friend proudly declared that the secret to her cooking is to avoid preservatives when in the kitchen as much as possible. She was met with a brief silence followed by chuckles and raised eyebrows. I was as confused as she was, so we waited for the giggle spell to cease before obtaining an explanation. The word in French for preservative is preservatif,  but it actually means condom—definitely an easy mistake to make. So what my well-meaning friend actually communicated was, “I try to avoid using condoms whenever in the kitchen.” Her sentence was phrased in such a way that the French understood that she doesn’t like to use condoms when having sex in the kitchen. We had a good laugh, but be assured that is one language lesson that stuck.

Language teachers are constantly drilling it into our heads that directly translating from English into the target language is a bad idea, but they never give clear examples. So off we go: directly translating ourselves into embarrassing language faux pas. The weather is an inevitable topic no matter where we travel, so when push comes to shove, sometimes we have to improvise and break the sacred rule of language acquisition by directly translating and hoping for success. One humid July day in Paris, I found myself uttering aloud to no one in particular while waiting to cross the street, “Je suis chaude.” Boy did this cause a chain reaction of heads turning and gasps of shock. I moved on knowing that I made a horrible blunder, but happy to stay in my blissful ignorance until I was far away from that crowd. Later on when I returned home I was told that what I actually said was, “I am horny.” The correct way to state that you are hot due to warm weather conditions is “J’ai chaud,” or literally, “I have hot.”

The hidden sexual connotations in French have few boundaries, as I experienced firsthand while grocery shopping. I was looking for beets, but could not find any. I assumed the store simply did not have any fresh beets so I consulted a nearby employer in hopes of being guided to the nearest packaged beets. I didn’t know the word for beets in French so I hoped for the best and asked, “Excusez-moi! Ou est-ce que je cherche des beets, ou est-ce que je peux les trouver?” What I thought to be an innocent inquiry as to where I could find some beets turned into yet another bout of sexual profanity. I mistakenly asked where I could find some penises. Yes, apparently when the English word for beet is pronounced with French intonation it actually sounds like the French slang word la bite, which does not mean beets at all.

The fourth consecutive hour of grammar lessons can put even the most tenacious of language learners in a catatonic state. Unfortunately, this means some valuable concepts are unintentionally missed. Like other languages, French has verbs that express different meanings depending on how it’s used in a sentence, whether or not it is a modal verb, reflective verb, or if  it should be followed by an object. One such verb in French is (se) coucher. When used as a reflective verb (se coucher) means to lie (oneself) down, by itself (coucher) it means to lay (someone or something) down (in reference to position).

Naturally, foreigners are led to believe that this verb can also be used to express sleep based on different cultural perceptions of “lying down.” During one of the many grueling French language courses that I took in Paris, we were asked to give advice on being healthy based on our personal health efforts. The point of the exercise was to reinforce our understanding of the imperative mood so that we could express urgency and demands in French. A Japanese classmate suggested “sleeping a lot,” which is great advice, but the way she expressed herself had an unflattering double meaning. She used the verb coucher to say, “couchez beaucoup.” When this particular verb is used in this way it has a sexual meaning. What she unknowingly divulged to the entire class was that she stays healthy by “having a lot of sex.” The instructor was temporarily mortified but opted to correct the misleading phrases rather than explaining to the oblivious woman why she made a mistake. Afterwards a few of the students who actually understand the faux pas explained her mistake to her. From that moment on she simply refused to use that verb in any context, too afraid of repeating her blunder.

France is known for being protective of its language, so much that they even have an esteemed French Academy made up of people whose profession it is to protect the sanctity of the French language. Over the years, they have implemented French terminology to take the place of American films, music, and technology where other countries adopted the foreign word out of respect for those responsible for the product. This can be very annoying because this creates a false sense of accomplishment among French people who like to believe that it is their accomplishment because they know it by a French term. Sometimes, however, they create a French word in place of the English original for a justifiable reason. Take “computer” for example. In French, you must use the term ordinateur if you want to avoid sounding like a jerk. In French slang, con means dumb asshole, and pute means a bitch or slut. Approaching a French person and asking where you might be able to buy a computer will only be met with hostile rudeness, especially in the case that the inquirer is a man and the accosted is a woman.

Jacqueline Perrier-Gillette is currently a resident of Paris, France, where she lives with her husband. Together the two of them operate their small translation company, giving Jacqueline the opportunity to observe the French and their culture up close. She is an avid reader, writer, and student of foreign languages.

By Jacqueline Perrier-Gillette