3 Things a Gentleman Should Remember at the Gym

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m not exactly a picture of perfection when I wake up at six in the morning to go to the gym. Not only am I wearing whatever I found groping around in the dark, but I basically just rolled out of bed and the homicidal expression on my face (due to my extreme dislike of leaving my bed) can be off-putting. That said, I make it through my morning well enough if I can work out in peace and get some coffee in me.

But one of the fastest ways to invoke my ire in the morning is to be one of the clueless guys at the gym who do these three unforgivable (ok, maybe just irritating) things.

I get it—there are yoga pants as far as the eye can see. And look! Exposed midriff! Must be your lucky day. But take a moment to consider the tiny possibility that the women wearing these standard gym clothes to gym might be doing it because these clothes are more comfortable to work out in. Maybe baggy clothes get in the way. After all, that’s why you’re wearing that dashing cutoff sleeve shirt, right? So, keep in mind that most girls aren’t there to make sure you get your morning ogle of eye candy, that your gaze isn’t hypnotic, and that staring is still considered rude in polite society. And if you think you can get away with just staring at a girl after she walks by, please remember that there are mirrors everywhere.

That enormous silver Bolex on your wrist is quite eye-catching. I bet it’s real popular with the ladies when you go out to the bars. But we’re at the gym, and no one needs to tell time so urgently they need to wear their largest, most shiniest watch. Hey, is that a clock on the wall? It’s ok, I’m sure you didn’t notice that earlier. But listen, if you’re wearing that watch or gold bracelet because you’ve been told that girls like shiny, so you brought the shiny, then let me give you another piece of advice: girls (and especially the girls you want to get to know) also like subtlety, seriousness, and class. They don’t want to meet a guy (or anyone, really) who will try to impress them purely with material goods, or who will assume that all they care about are those material objects, or who will flaunt whatever they have so very obviously. So maybe tone it down a little and try to win a lady’s heart with your inner bling. Is that a thing? I’m making that a thing.

Hopefully, you’ve realized by now that the gym is a place for working out and/or nurturing your bodybuilder aspirations. Some idle chatter with your friends is perfectly acceptable. After all, you’ve got to let Johnny know that even your grandma could deadlift that much. But unless you’re at one of those gyms with a reputation for being a pick-up spot, don’t start chatting up the poor, sweaty girl on the treadmill next to you who can’t escape no matter how fast she runs. This includes making random exclamations about what’s on TV or about what you’re doing and glancing over to see if she’s interested in responding. She’s not. And lord have mercy if you talk to the one with headphones on. If you can’t understand that wearing headphones is the universal sign for “Don’t talk to me,” then I can’t help you.

There’s an appropriate time and place for everything. Hitting on girls while they’re sweaty, tired, and completely focused on self-improvement at the gym? Not it. Maybe work on being respectful and reading signals a little better, it’ll happen.

Tatiana Sundeyeva has gotten into the terrible habit of thinking too much about everything. She enjoys fantasizing about traveling, compulsively buying literature, laughing at her own puns, and consuming anything (and everything) that can be found in a bakery. She is a graduate of UC Berkeley where she got a degree in English with a minor in Italian.

Tatiana Sundeyeva